She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
