Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
