he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
