and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
