two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You can't just leave with hair like that
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
