Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
