nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
