Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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