ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
