We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
