If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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