If i come over, it means nothing
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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