You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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