i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
