I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
