Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
