Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
