After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
