the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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