I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I hope mine doesn't look like that
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
