dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
