did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
