i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
