Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
