Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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