I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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