when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
