Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
