Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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