He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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