she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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