It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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