I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
