She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
