His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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