When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Bring me that man meat
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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