That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
