Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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