As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
