u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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