i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
