the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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