Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
