Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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