That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
you had me at cake vodka
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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