It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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