Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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