He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Sorry about my life...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
