Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
