hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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