i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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